Analysis of the Days Past

Strong pushing
Blood rushing
Going down your cheeks
So quietly it speaks 

Darkness of emptiness
All of your craziness
Blame it on yourself
It was you who fell

He was there
But he was not
You were here
It had to stop

How could you have known
How could he have shown
Without you seeing
When your heart was bleeding

Deep inside you knew
Other side was true
And without all knowing
You didn't stop loving

Catch me in the rye

I want someone to catch me
Catch me in the rye
And I will be there
I will stop running
I will drop to my knees
Slowly and then all at once
I will hit the ground
Solid ground beneath me
But I will be safe
Because I'll be embraced
It will be warm and soft
Just like falling asleep
In the soft bed
And knowing that I'm safe
That nothing
That no one
Can ever hurt me again.

House of Cards

Waking up in the morning

Sweet scent of the rising sun

Kisses you on your cheek

Tells you that you’re fine

Nightdress flowing down your body

Skin pushing lightly

With a great care

Not showing your weaknesses

But skirting is cutting on the edge

You’re losing something

But no, not yet

It’s a time to come, it may not come…

It is a sweet denial

It is your last remorse

Because you loved

Because you had trust

Earth is shaking

Knocking you off your feet

Your ground faded

All there is

Void

Abyss

Nothingness

You were left in your mourning

On a cloudy Sunday morning

Wiped out

Wiped down

With your torn nightdress

Pale naked splits

Holes the size of your fists

So bare

So defenseless

Dark edges of your cuts

Buried down

Under the cards

Of your little house of cards

A Late Arrival

She stood there, counting the minutes. She'd already been standing there for 43 minutes, 11 seconds, 12, 13, 14... She wasn't irritated. She wasn't trying to make the train come by the will of her mind... which was most probably the case of the slander man in his forties standing just a few steps from her.

She observed him just for a while - nervous jerks of his head, shaky fingers, red face, clapping foot. But no, he wasn't interesting aspect of her - oh so important time.

You must understand she'd given up on waiting after the first 10 minutes, when the 50 minutes long delay was announced. But actually, she did mind. Oh she did very much. She was about to meet her sister who just came home from Scotland for a day.  One bloody miserable day. And it was already 17.03, almost the end of the day really.

But she wasn't thinking about it anymore. Once she caught a glimpse of that gentleman... no, not that one with the red face to the left... the one to the right. That was the right one.

He was slender alright, his hair was pure silver and his face wrinkled. And yet, if you looked closer, you would see a man of his... rather thirties.

Why was it so, that this man with so many indicators of an age of fifty and above looked so young?

Then she looked again. She stopped seeing just the separate parts of him, he was suddenly whole. He was a man, a complete man. You could not put that into a question.

He was so different, though. He was so calm. everything about him had the air of calmness. Not like ignorant to what was going on, just calm, content.

If she hadn't been thinking about it too much, she would've said he was actually smiling, but it was only his face that was smiling, not his lips.

During this long time of waiting, she longed for her courage to come to her. She wanted to talk to him. Why, she did not know. She just very much wanted to...

Suddenly the train arrival was announced. Her thoughts were no longer whole. She lost it. All of it.  

EPI-FOR-YOU

What a day

it's a day

lovely day

rainy day

gloomy day

every day.

Red is the New Black

To cross the line
You need to hide
To make your world
You have to swerve

For living life
He had to die
With scarlet claws
She brought him down

In frame of red
His dreams faded
Believe he's dead
Because he loved

Now always sees
The black deep sea
In crimson light
For every day

And sometimes for the night

Inside

It was that kind of a day that leaves to distraught. All that was there was a quiet, pounding heart. And of course the fire. The fire was nice, pleasant. But it didn’t change anything about that day.

Her mind on the other hand, was just SO loud! It would shout and poke and whistle and cry and kick. So persistent it was!

She’d developed a strong distain towards her mind by then. Quite a logical thing to do if you ask me… Such a blizzard in there… No wonder she’s despise it.

She took hold of her head, gently, firmly, painfully. Nothing else could it ask for. It was the culprit. There was no way of negotianing. 

Helpless soul

Soul is hanging on a string
Lifeless, hopeless, beaten to death.
No one to trust, everyone is gone.
Silent piano is the only true thing.

Ghost of life sitting at the bar,
Swallowing bitter spirits,
For its spirit was stolen,
Taken for a path to 'very far'.

The only thing left is an endless abyss.
Only a languid echo.
Life left in a dubious battle
Which may never end... at ease.

Pain has been augmented.
Havoc has taken over.
How long will this resentment last?
Wake me up when it's safe to breathe.

Why I love Autumn

There has been time in my life when I loved Summer. Of course, kids love Summer don't they? So warm and sweet. No school, lots of free time, holidays, friends and fun fun fun.
Then, there is the Winter. Beautiful snow, white and sparkly; good building material as well. And oh, what kid wouldn't love Christmas, right?
Wait, you're telling me I forgot about the Spring? Sorry.. never was much of a Spring lover. Everything is just kind of devastated after Winter, there is a lot of rain and then some freezing as well. How would That be likable?
But I'm here to talk about Autumn!
I thought of this the other day, when I was walking down one (not very particular) street in Žilina.  Gusts of wind were hitting me strong and cold, making me tighten my scarf around my neck and hold my coat closer to my body. At that moment, the few leaves already lying on the ground stirred a bit and sent the sweet smell of Autumn to my nostrils. That was the smell that always hits me. It is so pleasant and slightly peppery, and I can't push away the thought that this is indeed the smell of dying, decaying leaves that I'm enjoying. A slight smirk crossed my face. That was my mind sensing this familiar truth.
With an umbrella above my head I continued strolling towards my favourite café. Even the umbrella was delightful. Dotty and blue, just like I prefer all my things. Playful, yet not very distinct.
The muffled sounds of tiny raindrops hitting it sounded like a song. Somebody whispering a chaotic melody, I could hear a piano in my mind, pinning the tones down.
And then, there is the air. It is somehow fuller at this particular time of the year. It is as if the air itself was heavier, but pleasantly. It is fuller and it makes sense for it to fill up every nook and cranny. You just have to excuse if for messing up your hair, because it was made for it. It was born that way and it just wants to feel the intimacy of you. Of me... it is a kinky one, I admit, but would you blame him?
I continue on my journey. Few meters left, I'm avoiding puddles - don't get me wrong, I just don't wan to hurt them, of course... would you like being stepped on? Well whatever your answer is, I doubt you'd like that (and I'm not talking about the cute Asian girls giving you back massage).
And there I was, in the Café. Sipping my coffee, warming myself up, looking  at the people outside. They all look so natural in there. In Autumn, everything is meant to be, everything is meant to happen. It is that kind of the year...

Attention :D

New short-stories-ish and poems are already in the process of rewriting :D
Coming soon:
HELPLESS SOUL,
A LATE ARRIVAL,
INSIDE,
EPI-FOR-YOU,
RED IS THE NEW BLACK
;)

Phony

Words of sweet denials,
words of the sweetest lies.
So bitter they cut
So bitter you bleed.

The truth is true no more,
it's the world itself.
It's the lonely mountain,
because no one's there.

Once the syllables are out
driven by all mighty lust,
there's no way you can trust
even if the time has passed.

It is just the question.
It's the voice inside your head.
It came from the outside
and there's nowhere you can hide.

They come and go.... They come and go...

Thoughts of the past,

thoughts of life -

-here they come at last-

cutting like a knife.

Here they come and go,

then you're empty,

you let it flow.

Here they come and go.

Thoughts of bitter tastes,

of the hate and haste.

Haste to keep it moving,

but instead of loving,

You just let them go...

The fireplace

He was sitting in front of the fireplace, his old companion throughout all those long lonely evenings. It always gave him this feel that he was being tended for. The comfortable warm radiation licking his old woolen socks would always calm him to sleep, but not today. For today was special. It’d been long since it was snowing this much. Snowflakes of size of feathers were falling in a swirling gentle motion.

The last time the night was this white was… the night to remember. But that was a long time ago. Those times he could still recognize his sweet Anna, those times he would hold her hand and they would talk about little things. The fire in the fireplace would enclose both of them and they would lightly kiss goodnight.

And at that moment, after all those years he tilted his head and looked at the spare armchair. Soft and lovely just like in those times, but empty.

Smiling face, flowing locks of hair, dancing together with her body in the rhythms of the music coming from their freshly bought gramophone.

His heart pushed at the wall of his chest, taking the last thump for itself… and for her.

Flowers in a Jar

Just now… it would do. Yes, it must do. It would JUST do. But „just“ is not enough, is it? And she knew better than to rely on „just“. She knew that what she had to do, but it would maybe be too much, now wouldn’t it? No, no, enough is never too much. Just enough would do.

And so she picked another Othelly flower and started whistling for herself. Another bend, another pick, another flower. All over again. A slight grim started to form on her face while she was hopping around in a sheer delight. Another flower. Perhaps now it would do. ‘Would?’ What a horrid idea! Of course it wouldn’t do! Another bend, another flower.

She looked judgementally upon the basket full of her lovely little flowers. Now. Now it will do. Now it is just enough. She laughed a little, her voice full of bells. Now she would finally fall asleep. So many, oh, so many restless nights. Perhaps now she will rest for at least one night. Just imagine it! One Whole Night!

She caressed the sweet blue petals of her new friends. So fragile they were. Just like her. Oh, but she will have to drown them. Of course. That was the way of things. That was the way it would be. Otherwise she won’t sleep.

She whispered an apology, caressed them one more time and tucked them into the jar prepared just for them. Jar half filled with water, yes, it was the perfect place for them to be.

Then she closed it delicately, and shook. Once, twice… that would do.

Now would it?

Oh, silly thing she was, of course not.

…three times, four times. Now. Now it was just fine.

She held her breath as she was opening the jar again. Ah, the sweet smell of sleep. Here we go. She pushed her lips to the glass and took a sip. Then more… and more.

Of course, it was the time. And it was the place. The best place. Soft willow, sounds of whispering trees…

Yes, she would sleep now. Just one night, surely… Surel…..       

The Fall

When the breeze blows,

Whispers and howls

And caresses the trees,

When the leaves tremble

And in swirl they leave,

When the marks appear in pond,

Sharp round curves cut in

By the ever-blowing wind

And spread around is sweet

Quiet melancholy,

When your imagination

Fails to outstrip the reality,

Then it is the call

Of yet again returning Fall.

Happy, happy, happy...?

Hello again. It's been some time since I talked to you in a normal way, not through poems or obscene short stories. Even though I know probably nobody except me is interested in this blog, I still feel like if there is one more person reading this, why would I stop writing when it doesn't cost me almost anything at all... even though we say that "time is money".

This time I want to talk about something I've been wondering about pretty much my whole life. Happiness. This has been a subject of many worries and ponders. We all want to be happy. Even though I've realized that I miss from time to time the time to be very down and sad for some crazy reason, because it somehow excuses me to be alone for a while or something,... in a long term I do wish to be happy.

I've started reading this book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin recently. At first I thought it would be something annoying like: "In this 1st lesson you should wake up every morning and try to say out loud how you WILL enjoy this day!"
In the end I'm really enjoying her story about how SHE tried to make her life better and how SHE was failing and winning and what SHE realized about life and happiness. In the meantime it really made a lot of sense and I adjusted HER situations to MY life.

I might not tide up my room every evening to make myself more free from all the things that would wait for me later, even though I admit it would make me more relaxed and thus more happy. I just can't make myself do it. On the other hand I found there many advises about relationships.

I really like the fact that when I learn how to be more happy, I will be less irritated and mean and more happy and cheery and I know that when I'm in that kind of mood I feel more like helping people and I want to make them happy as well. Thus making myself happy I'll make other people more happy. That is a good one, eh?

The hard thing about it is that I have to change and I will have to bite my tongue instead of saying something stingy to the other person, because I think it isn't right. It doesn't work like I go to someone I want to have a good relation with and tell them what they should do so I was happy so they can be happy. No. Unfortunately, it isn't that easy. However, it is not impossible. I've said this to many people and many of them still remember that if I'm really good at something it's hope. And I can always hope that my deeds will affect other people in some time.

Second thing in my be-happier list is to not complain so much. I know myself that when other people complain to me and I am not in a mood of helping or even listening to it, it can get really annoying and I am also aware of that, that when I am complaining, it is similar and therefore I cannot be angry when somebody doesn't seem 100% interested and mostly when it's somebody I expect it from... like my boyfriend. This one is maybe even harder. I am the type who would complain all the time about my life, about my health, about people around me... And I just have to get used to the fact that people will rather listen about what's the weather today and that many times those things I complain about don't really matter.

This is just a tiny little piece of knowledge that I've obtained from the book and from "monitoring" my own life. Okay this is a bit like a review, but not really. If you are interested, sure, read the book. I'm sure it has something to say to EVERYONE. Anyway, I only wanted to share my bit and since this is a blog after all, I think subjectivity has its place here.

Okay, so... I'm happy I made myself to sit down and write a bit here again and I'd be really happy to find out there is somebody else also reading this, but you know, life.... :)  

Hesitation

Eyes open for the light

One blink and it´s over.

This moment it shall pass

For the time can´t go slower.

One hesitant moment

That´s your breaking point.

Can´t go any further

Ships are leaving from the port.

It´s a sparkling moment

Life goes just that fast.

Doesn´t just stare and stop

We live and we last.

But then it´s all just the past.

When the levee breaks (for Creative writing)

    She was sitting at her desk. Head down. There was nothing special about her that day. Her long wavy blond hair was falling down covering her face. Fingers moving rapidly, creating a rhythm of typing sounds. Faster and faster.
    The funny-coloured cat, usually calmly sleeping in her lap, was now annoyed, craving for her attention but she didn´t even notice the cat was there. It was like she had a bubble around her head. A weak sternutation followed. Cat jumped down from the table and left her in a great displease.
    Regardless the cat, she didn´t stop frowning at the screen. No! This wasn´t the time to give up. She continued. This work was all that mattered.

    Days followed and no guests would stop by. She didn´t care. All that was in her mind was the work.
    Her laptop was moaning and wheezing. At this point it was very angry at her. It would purposely make some mistake here and there for her; she would swear, correct the mistake and continue writing the work.
   
    Few more days passed and the laptop was really annoyed. It started eating her bit by bit. Fingers came first. Blood was dripping through the keys in the keyboard and continued to the desk and to the floor.
    At first she didn´t even notice but when it came to the knuckles she became aware of it.
    As revenge she brought some greasy food and smeared the oil and fat all over the laptops back.
    Since she didn´t have any fingers on her hands she put the laptop on the ground, sat there herself and continued in the work with her bare feet.
    Laptop continued in its wicked plan and even though this was a disgusting job to do, it didn´t stop eating.
    Even this was noticed after some time. She had one last choice. She put a pen between her teeth and with a thought of an amazing success she CONTINUED...
    The last came the tongue
    ....and the last page to go...
    Yet, she couldn´t finish it.
    There was nothing left for her and from her. She started crying. Fell down on the floor, face touching the keyboard. The screen showed:  gbakjshhhhhhhhhhhhfddddddddffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

    She woke up in a white room. Unable to move. Soon enough she found out nothing from her body was missing. A man in a white coat was watching her from the corner of the room.
    “Please, keep calm.” Said the man in a low voice. “You are currently at St Paul´s hospital. We are here to help you.”
    She wanted to move but was chained with leather strips. Then she remembered.
    “The work! I need to finish it! It was the laptop! You need to bring it! I NEED TO FINISH MY WORK!!!”
    He glanced at her with a sad look in his eyes, wrote something down and left the room.

      

2015!!!

New year here guys!

Bit late but anyway... Yeah I'm usually late but nevermind. It's 2015!
Some expect the world to end (right Richard?) and some are enjoying that they are living the best moments in their lives (so far). But seriously! What is better than sinking into the new cover of snow which is trying to get in touch with your socks even though you have high boots (I'm not good at maths but I would bet my socks there was at least 30 cm of snow) and then build yourself Larry the Snowman? This is the real pleasure.

I consider myself a happy person because even though the snow will disappear and Larry will melt (Alright you got me... he is dead already. Some kids from our village did it. I really tried to commence the investigation but my parents told me there was nothing i could do.) I will still have some cards in my sleeve. Or am I in THE SLEEVE?

Okay, I'm sorry I don't really know what am I talking about right now.

However this is all lovely and I have things to be looking forward.... school is coming and there is nothing I can do about it. That makes me sick actualy(or maybe it is just that I had too large lunch, doesn't really matter)! The thing is I should study, right? And I am building snowmen instead (RIP Larry). But since I have 2 more days I still don't panic THAT much!!!

Just learning some German irregular verbs (nobody wishes to hear me speaking German for German makes me THE MONSTER of all) but yeah, not much to say about THAT.

And since I still have 2 days till the school begins, of course I have something to watch as well. There's this thing I'm on right now. TV series Black Mirror! (tum dum duuum!)

Say whatever you want but these (from time to time gross) episodes are a perfect alarm clock. These series show our world about this time.. few years later time... few decades later time... it doesn't really matter. It looks like a perfect future in one moment but a horror story in the very next one. You don't even have time to blink and everything goes down with your ship!

These perfect dystopic (yes, I know Richard, I know :D shhhs) stories are always set in a whole new reality with different cast and different idea. The only connection is the topic which is dystopia of the technological age.
It is sure worth watching if you have time for it (or you just procrastinate like me).

Alright so I think this is all I wanted to say and................ yeah! Right! Stay happpppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
See ya next time! ;)

The Ribbon

Why things don't go away

Why things don't pass.

Some scars I will carry

Everywhere, they will be mine.

Some things don't pass

They need to be felt

Some things they hurt

They bite they don't haste.

Maybe after a week

It won't be visible.

I might forget

And I might lose myself.

Or will I find myself?

Will I ever?

This should have never been

This was just a fail.

I'm down on my knees

I don't pray 

I don't lie

And I can't handle this.

When pain is too large

I will make it

To go to the last row

This one doesn't hurt that much.

I can't even hold 

My body straight.

I got lost

There is no way back.