My Depression?

What is a depression? I don’t like starting articles (not that I start that many of them) with a question, but right now as it is, I don’t really care.  I think I may very well be in one of those so called depressions.

First of all, I have no idea whatsoever why am I writing this to a blog that no one reads, but on the other hand I think I just want to write my thoughts somewhere because I think keeping them to myself would eventually lead me to some kind of implosion and imminent destruction of myself and could lead to permanent craziness, which is something I’d like to avoid. So without further ado, let’s write my story, of a stupid teenage boy who has problems with himself.

Some people have depression because of school, bad results… some have depression because of the loss of loved ones. All valid reasons that are acceptable around people. Then there is me, who has no idea why does he have the depressions in the end. Or maybe I do have an idea and I am just confused. But I think I can agree on the fact I didn’t have them since I was young. It’s recent. Since 2 years ago, I’ve become such a weird person and I can’t get over the fact how or why I am staying the same way. I have this problem with forgetting the bad things I do to people and then I tend to feel guilty for them for… like ever. This used to be a problem with my ex, since every little thing I did that made her sad or feel bad, I remembered and eventually I went onto a self-destructive path of not even trying to save our relationship when it was falling apart because I just thought to myself that this is the last time I am going to hurt her and after that it will get better.

Well, it did not. Even before I thought something was weird. That’s then I started thinking about it, why am I sad? Why am I depressed if I have no reason? I hated hurting people and making them feel bad, that was probably why. But that was not it. Sometimes I would be happy and not care about these things much and just ignore everything bad. Could it be schizophrenia? Probably not...  Eventually my brain started telling me to decrease the amount of people I was talking to, so I did and ended up being quite alone. The solitude really changes a person. It became so, that I had no one to talk to about things. Everyone I talked to was gone during the summer and the only people I interacted with were classmates… and my ex who went out hiking with me, which ended up as us being friends with her again, which was also against my policy to not hurt her anymore. Because everything I do hurts someone for some reason. My conversations with others became more of a “what happened in school” and “could you help me with this?”. As I said, I enjoyed helping people, but people only contacting me to ask for my help was kind of … painful. I don’t even know if you can call this period of mine as a period of depression or if it was only sadness, but it was unbearable.

I kind of lost all my interest in this time. Hiking, playing on guitar, heck even playing computer games which used to be my time wasting activity. I had nothing to do so I just went on through with my life trying to survive in school, which was pretty hard at this point. And I didn’t even mention my immunity system. For some reason while in depressions I managed to be sick all the time meaning even my progress in school stalled and I just gave up on trying to understand anything. I started to think of myself as an insignificant person and scum. I stopped talking to some people because I just felt that I don’t want them to be seen with me.  Things were like this until a random thing happened in my life. More on that later, maybe.

So yea that’s how I was until a few weeks back. I do think this is probably a stupid article or something and it will be deleted later. Just right now, I feel like actually posting it without any reason. Thanks for reading, if you did.